Someone prayed for me as I ventured through my growing up years. I’m convinced.
I grew up in a heritage of dysfunction. No one from my family’s generation had any interest in the things of the Lord. I came from a small family and only had one older sister. My Mom and Dad survived in the same house together, though most days, I’m sure they didn’t want to. Arguments and fighting were the norm. I know they loved us and did they best they could. We never went without and there was no abuse of any kind, but my parents had baggage, as most of us do, and they brought it into the family unit. My Mother, as loving and kind as she is, had anger and emotional issues which she didn’t know how to deal with and they were transposed onto me.
At the age of nine, I took my first drink of liquor at a family Christmas party. By age thirteen, I was hooked on drinking. That started a pathway of promiscuous things. I started dating a young man who was into the same behaviors and together we fell into a pit. School things went wayward, friends went wayward and family went wayward.
I lived in a fog most days.
I had much heartache in my life. Some of it brought on by myself, but some things were out of my control. My innocence was broken, my trust was broken, my heart was broken and I was broken. I didn’t trust anyone and anger played a big part of my life when things didn’t go my way — or I couldn’t control my outcome.
Have you ever felt this way…
Like a puzzle that had been thrown on the floor that no one had any interest in putting back together.
No one ever took the time to help me. I’m not sure if they were ignorant to it, or just didn’t want to, but I was a broken mess screaming for someone to put me back together again! No one ever did.
Hopelessness surrounded most of my days, which turned into anger, frustration, guilt, shame and depression. I thought about suicide and almost went through with taking my own life. I turned to many things to fill the void. In fact, when I was on the party scene it took away the pain. So, most of my days were filled with alcohol and the drugs of my choice. This lifestyle went with me well into my adult life. I wasn’t searching for the things of the Lord…
I lost all hope!
It was a bad place to be, in a hopeless situation.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12
My heart was sick, I was sick! My longing hadn’t yet been fulfilled yet. I was still the scattered puzzle waiting to be worked on.
By the time I met my husband, I was so full of baggage and my hopelessness and anger continued well into our marriage.
On the following pages you will hear more of my story — my redemption story, of how the Lord reached down and saved me and our family.